A boozehound goes sober...

A boozehound goes sober...

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Day 21: The Meet Cute

Day 21. 9:28pm. Night. Drinks-0

**This is a long but a good one! READ MY FRIENDS...READ!!

I decided to go for a long run at the gym. Note-running more than 1 mile on the treadmill is absolute hell. I sweat like a monster! I much prefer running outside; new scenery every second and my mind is able to wander and think about all the cute boys men I could possible bump into and have meaningless sex with fall in love with. Let's be honest, we all love a good meet cute! (Because that shit actually happens. Fuck Tinder, Bumble, or whatever dating app is getting the 20-30somethings laid, the movies are right...you fall in love by stealing a hot man's cab only to have to share it with him and realize you despise him...only to realize you are getting out at the same place and uh oh you end up in a relationship that gets ruined by a dumb misunderstanding that gets resolved in a very public place, most likely a public park or by a fountain, and results in you kissing as the camera pans out)

And we're back, I was on mile 4 when I noticed the dude on the stair climber staring at me. He was cute, and by cute I mean he looks like he has a stable job, lives alone in a clean apartment with granite countertops in the kitchen, and drinks red wine out of beautiful wine glasses while wearing a double breasted sweater...he was alright looking. I digress. As soon as I noticed him I avoided eye contact and continued running flawlessly....


ok it looked more like this.....

It is at this moment I realize...THIS IS MY MEET CUTE! This is how I meet my next failed relationship the love of my life. I speed up and turn on my jam that really gets me in the zone. 

My confidence is strong...so I look up so I can smile and look like I am hard core. Good news-he's still staring at me. And why wouldn't he be? I am a bad ass bitch who is running at a killer pace with a sick ass head band. I look fearless. Of course he is staring at me. I am the hottest chick in this place. I know at any second he is going to hop off his stair climber, walk over to me, pat his forehead with his towel, put said towel behind his neck, smile, and say, "You come here often?" and then do this...

I pretend to check my heart rate. Note-I don't know how to do this...I just put two fingers under my chin like I've seen people do on TV. I then fist pump in the air to give the idea that I am happy with the results. I have no fucking idea what good results would be, all I know at this point is my finger are gross with my neck sweat and this dude is totally in love with me. 

I check again...still staring at me. Dude--you are sooo obvious! I get it you WANT ME!

I look down to pretend I don't notice him only to notice that I have been sweating so hard in the GRAY leggings I wore that it looks like I have pissed myself. I don't really care because it just proves that ya girl sweats almost as ugly as she cries goes hard at the gym! 

He still is making no moves. I slow to a walk and eventually stop to stretch. Skillfully, I raise my left leg over the treadmill railing so I can still see him while I stretch. So far so good...time to switch legs...I start to move, but my leg didn't get the memo because the next thing I know I have face planted into the console of the treadmill, which causes a chain reaction of clumsiness that results in me on the ground with NOT ONE GOD DAMN PERSON TRYING TO HELP ME UP! Also, where the hell was my stair climber dude? This would have been a perfect story...I fall, he comes to my rescue?!?!?!! 

I pick myself up because, again, not one person was fucking human enough to stop their low rent work out to see if I was ok. When I get up, I don't look his way. I walk myself to the locker room, gather my stuff, and walk out of the gym never to realize my full meet cute potential....OR MAYBE-we run into each other next week and  I purposely fall and this time that dumb ass walks his happy ass over and picks me up and then we go back to his granite countertops and great wine glasses and have one hell of a night. fall in love. 

Day 21 complete. Seriously, no one helped me up...like people are garbage. 


Weight Loss-I have a bruised hip, the scale didn't seem important
Money Spent- $6.75
# of foot in mouth moments-I fell off a treadmill. I think that is worth about 10 of these. 

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