A boozehound goes sober...

A boozehound goes sober...

Sunday, January 31, 2016

Day 31: The Last One

Day 31. 3:46pm. Cloudy. Drinks-0

It's 50 degrees in Chicago today. Today is also the last day of sober January. Pretty sure this is the Universe's way of being like, "Hey Becca, you a bad ass bitch. Here's a warm day to celebrate you!"

This month has been full of a lot of thoughts, feelings, and gifs. I keep meaning to write down all the things I "learned" this month. But really, I just noticed how much alcohol is in my daily life, and how much I don't need it. BORING!

I am glad that I did this. It has been nice to...

1. Not wake up hungover and have to send a million texts asking if I was an ass the night before

2. Finish a bunch of projects and feel like a productive human

I am really happy/surprised that I actually did it. Tomorrow, I am going to make a meaningful post about life and how I feel. So for now, let's just put a gif here about being excited that this month is over...

Day 31. Almost complete. Excuse me while I just stand outside and bask in the warmth of this day!


Money Spent- $12.76
# of foot in mouth moments-0 

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Day 30: The Year of the Adult

Day 30. 5:28pm. Getting Dark. Drinks-0

Just filed my taxes. Helped a friend move. Did laundry. Made two meals. Ran five miles. And I am getting ready for a show. If I had this day five or six years ago, I would have called myself a real adult. I still don't feel like an adult. Anytime I see a person with a baby, a dog, or a full refrigerator,  I think maybe one day I will be old enough to be able to handle that. I am 31. I am pretty sure that constitutes being old enough. But you know I am avoiding ALL of that. 

I have two days left of January. Two days left of these very productive days....well let's hope these days continue for the rest of 2016 and beyond. Maybe 2016 is the year I become an adult to both society and myself?


Day 30. Almost done.  Got to go get ready to play make believe do a comedy show with my friends. 


Weight Loss-I did my taxes, lay off!
Money Spent-$5.67
# of foot in mouth moments-0

Friday, January 29, 2016

Day 29: The Big Head

Day 29. 2:22am. Night. Drinks-0

This month has been great! I sleep a lot, I work out a lot, I eat snacks (a lot), and I think A LOT! I maybe think toooooo much. I live inside my head.

In the last couple weeks, I've reflected a lot about past behaviors and situations. I have let my mind swirl. I replay certain moments, nights, and people over and over again. I determine that these things have resulted in me getting a reputation of (fill in the blank with some negative idea). Basically, I play this game of madlibs most days.

"Oh God, remember that night when I was at (Name of Chicago Theater). I think I said something dumb to (Name of Comedy Friend). Woof. I really stuck my foot in my mouth by (insert overshare about my life). Jesus. I bet they and everyone thinks I am (insert unpopular opinion about me). Great. Most people don't like me."

Y'all that is CRAZY as hell. NO ONE THINKS ABOUT ME AS MUCH AS I DO. Like Lisa Vanderpump says, I "am not that important"

Not drinking tonight was a very easy choice. What was not an easy choice, was shutting off my brain. It was hard to tell myself to stop worrying about the past or people--both are things you can't control. I do like the person I have been this month. She's been very cool and barely sticks her foot in her mouth (both literally and figuratively).

Day 29. Complete. But, you guys would tell me if the WORLD hated me? RIGHT?


Weight Loss-I went to they gym, and tried to work out....but then I got tired. So like who knows!?
Money Spent-too much today...too much
# of foot in mouth moments-0. #crushingit

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Day 28: The Play

Day 28. 2:12am. Night. Drinks-0

Today was cool and shitty at the same time....but let's focus on the cool!

While I was on the ship, I wrote a play. A PLAY! A couple weeks ago, my friend Irene read it and offered me advice. I made some edits. And asked some friends to read it for me. Tonight, my friends Jack and Andy read my play out loud...I heard my words (FINALLY) spoken, out loud, by people that weren't me. And the best part? I didn't hate it. I fell more in love with it. I have so much work to do, but I am proud of it. They offered me wonderful advice, and agreed (schedules willing) to go forward with the project. My other friend Mike agreed to work with the actors and the script to help me get some direction. At about 8:47pm tonight, I felt like I was really making something happen and it was rad as hell. 

After we were done, I bought Andy a beer. We chatted with some other friends at the theater bar. As mentioned before, Andy had a beer. Liz had a wine. Katy had a martini. I had a soda water with SO many limes. Tonight, I wanted to have a drink after hearing my words. There was a relief I felt when they were reading the play...a relief that said, "you are good at this." (I was terrified that when they read it out loud, it would SUCK.) With this relief, came the strong urge to have a drink and just talk shop with friends. It's the most I've wanted a drink in the last 2 or so weeks. It was so strong that I couldn't help but memorize the drinks others had! 

Later, I went to dance and sing karaoke with friends to celebrate Irene (1st person to read my play-mentioned above) moving to LA. What's funny is that at this dive bar, I had zero urge to drink. It may have been that I was prepping to sing "I Wanna Dance With Somebody," by the incomparable Whitney Houston. Or that I am just used to it by now. Either way, it felt good to just dance and not feel awkward for not drinking. Also, I crushed my karaoke set...


Tonight was fun. (btw Thursday nights at Carol's pub will always have a wonderful place in my heart b/c of Irene and some kick ass ladies). Irene leaving is sad, but you can never be sad when you are around her. I mentioned that she was the first person that read my play. She also gave me the courage to get this play on its feet. She gave me the reassurance that it was good. 

Irene is one of those magical people you meet, and get pissed because you didn't meet her earlier in life. There is not one person that doesn't love Irene. She encourages you to be an artist and to force yourself to be uncomfortable because out of that, comes the amazing stuff. I did a piece for her show on Tuesday that was scary. I was hesitant to do it because I thought I would fail. Irene told me I would be great, and I just believed her. I knew if she said so, it meant I couldn't fall on my face. 

It is sucks she won't be here to encourage us all to be better artist, but I am really happy for her. The world is a better place because Irene exists. She helped me (and my guess is so many others) find a different voice that I didn't know was there. And that's freaking cool ass stuff! 

Day 28. Complete. Listening to all of Whitney Houston now!

Weight Loss-I was so sore today, I made no effort to go near the gym
Money Spent-$53
# of foot in mouth moments-0...I think....you never know! 

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Day 27: The Ladies!

Day 27. 1:47am. Night. Drinks-0

I am tired. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. You name it...I am tired. The last couple days, I have read post after post about the things female improvisers and comedians have been subjected in the Chicago comedy scene. It is heartbreaking for so many reasons that I can't even begin to explain or eloquently put into words.

There is a change...a shift..an awakening happening, and it is fucking cool to see. I mean, very cool to see ladies taking charge!  The last couple days have shown me that I have some great friends and advocates. I am reminded that my female friends are strong, kind, generous and fierce as hell.

While all of this is wonderful, and I am happy to see women standing up for themselves, it is also very exhausting. I haven't done shit besides read, offer support, and have conversations, but for some reason I am so damn tired. 

So like can we get a second for my LADIES who legit were apart in the Women's Suffrage Movement, who worked way harder than I ever will to get us the right to vote? Or how about my GIRLS that were/are in politics (looking at you Hil-Dawg), and have to explain to old white men EVERY DAMN day why they are out of touch? Or how about my GALS who demanded that women be able to have careers outside of mom? OR how about these boss ass women fighting for women to get paid as much as men do?!?!?!?!??!?!

CAUSE Y'ALL WORKED HARD AS HELL TO MAKE SURE I COULD TRY TO MAKE A CAREER OUT OF MAKING FART JOKES! Ladies, thank you...and I am sorry I have pissed away your hard work by spending the majority of the time looking for good gifs for this post. I should do better by you! Y'all some bad asses!!!

This is exciting for sure. I am proud that people are trying to make change in our comedy world. 

What is also exciting about this, is I haven't had the urge to drink. As I have said in posts before, I have THOUGHT about drinking, but the want hasn't been large enough to act on it. So here's to that! 

Day 27. Complete. Sisters are doin it for themselves!


Weight Loss-1lb from the last time I weighed myself, so like who really knows at this point.
Money Spent-I didn't keep track today...SORRY!
# of foot in mouth moments-2.5

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Day 26:The Art

Day 26. 12:36am. Night. Drinks-0

Tonight, I did a show where I made art. Like I wrote a thing that was scary, performed that scary thing, messed up my words for this scary thing, and felt amazing after doing a scary thing. Had me all like...

I really don't care if people liked the piece or not. That isn't entirely true-I care because I wrote something that MEANT something to me...something that spoke to me. Performing and putting it out there was a great feeling that left me needing no affirmation from my audience. If people didn't like it, I am all like...

And  even more like...

But again, the people I am around aren't assholes and said kind, generous, and fucking wonderful things to me after the show. Which had me all like...

After great shows like tonight, I usually celebrate with a drink. I thought about it tonight, but didn't want it. I was riding the high of making some dope ass art. 

Day 26. Complete. Go make art people...it is fun!


Weight Loss-I gained weight but IDGAF!
Money Spent-$43
# of foot in mouth moments-I haven't embarrassed myself in DAYS!!! It's coming...I can feel it...I will embarrass myself some how...very soon!

Monday, January 25, 2016

Day 25: The Friends

Day 25. 12:18am. Rainy Cool Night. Drinks-0

Today was an interesting day for the Chicago world of improv comedy regarding sexual harassment of female students and performers. One of my closest friends very eloquently put into words what many of us have felt since stumbling into this scene. She stood up for us, she defended us, she demanded that people in positions of power stop pretending that there isn't a problem. She was a champion of women comedians and the female gender on the whole.

I have a lot to say on the subject and why our rhetoric when talking about sexual harassment and violence is proof enough as to why women aren't comfortable talking about it, much less, reporting it. BUT I'd rather focus this entry on the friend I mentioned above.

One of the things I love most about J, is how much she fucking LOVES being a woman, supporting women, and finding other strong women to be in her life. She vehemently despises anyone/thing that shames women sexually or intellectually. She is consistently giving a big middle finger to the patriarchy and doing what she can to remind mediocre white men that they are what is wrong with the world. J is someone who feels very hard, which is why she is an incredible artist. She knows and believes in the power of words.

Our friendship has been through a lot. Through it, she has managed to give me advice I want to hear, advice I need to hear, and encouragement to be a better writer, comedian, and person.

I can't even count the times I've woken up from a night of drinking and texted her to make sure I hadn't been a complete ass. She's sent me home when I've had one too many.She's supported my dry January instead of mocking it. She's a good pal.  This hasn't been the type of friendship that is just a good time, but a friendship that forces me to think ALL of the time. It forces me to look at my actions and ask myself if I am being a good person. J loves good people...and doesn't have space for bad people.

She's been through a lot that I can't and won't comment on because that is her story not mine...but to sum it up, she is stronger than most people are or have to be. I am positive that today's events had some trigger warnings for many of us, but her ability to calmly respond to post after post of people who just didn't get it was nothing short of amazing.

I posted about my weight on Jan 12th, and people called me brave. I am not brave. J is brave. She wasn't worried whether her words would ban her from a space, give rise to internet trolls that make absurd comments, or really ANYTHING!

Tonight, I wanted nothing more than to meet up with my friend and have a whiskey. I wanted to scream with her about the rage I felt at people's ignorance today. I didn't have a drink. I didn't scream with her. There are several practical reasons this didn't happen--I was tired, it's still the month of January, shows ran long, I just downloaded the new Adele album and wanted to listen to it in my dark room. There were probably some other reasons it didn't happen--we both have grown as humans, our friendship has changed even in the last year, alcohol and screaming won't solve this problem.

In the months leading up to my temporary departure from Chicago, the months I spent on the high sea, and the subsequent time I have been back, J and I have had some ups and downs in our friendship. But no matter what, I have never stopped being proud to call her friend, moreover to call her a close friend. I hope she feels the same about me...even when I don't deserve it.

In the past, days like today would have resulted in me saying, "I need a drink after all of that." Which really meant that I was going to have several drinks. Instead, I wrote down a lot of what I felt, talked with others about what happened, and listened to Adele (seriously, that shit is good!).

Day 25. Complete. Ladies, keep fighting the good fight! We have to listen to each other, protect each other, champion each other, and just be good fucking humans to each other.

Weight Loss-+1million lbs of internet trolls
Money Spent-$75 (groceries and ubers y'all)
# of foot in mouth moments-0. That can't be said for everyone out there today.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Day 24: The Final Week

Day 24. 2:34pm. Daylight. Drink-0

I have one week left to go in sober January. Got me all like...

Some people didn't think I would make it. Which has me like....

Some people were very encouraging and sent lots of nice messages. Which has me all like...

I haven't lost a ton of weight. I have actually gained weight. Got me all like....

But, I feel great and reminding myself of the words I wrote on the 12th. So I am all like...

Someone asked me if I would do this again, and I was all like...
but maybe?

Day 24. Getting close to being done. 


Weight Loss-Fuck Off
Money Spent-so far $0
# of foot in mouth moments-0...but that has a high probability of changing in the coming hours. 

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Day 23: The Saturday Nights

Day 23. 1:49am. Night. Drinks-0

Saturdays are hard. It's the night I think about drinking the most. Tonight, I was celebrating the birthday of one of my greatest friends in Chicago. He and I have been known to drink a bottle or four on a Saturday night (or really any night that one of us suggest it).

Any given Saturday Night with Thom and Becca 

I had several conversations about my decision not to drink this month. I was surprised on the ease and in which I spoke about the struggles I have had-most notably how it has forced me to ask some very important life questions and my struggle with not losing the weight I thought I would. I was very honest and open about how scary it is that alcohol plays such a major role in our "comedy" world. I had REAL and MEANINGFUL conversations. Then, they jokingly offered me booze.  

It wasn't hard to say no to drinking tonight. And I actually reached a point in the night where drinking wasn't even appealing. It was interesting to watch as others drank, got tipsy, and then maybe drunk (I don't really know--and also who cares, they were living their best life and having fun...FUCK THE HATERS!)

A couple people remarked, "I am sure this is hell for you," or "this must be no fun being sober," but it was fun. I enjoyed being at the party because it was Thom's birthday and I love Thom. Like I said above, I had conversations that had depth (I got into a real great discussion on the education system, the achievement gap, "college readiness," and the cycle of poverty. I LOVED IT). There were some awkward moments, for sure, but I squashed that by shoving cheese and crackers, hummus, chips, salsa, cake, and m&ms in my mouth. 

Saturdays are hard, but tonight, it wasn't. I wasn't tempted to drink--that doesn't mean I didn't want to. It just means that it didn't feel like as big as a struggle as it had 2 weeks ago. 

Day 23. Complete, and still thinking about the cycle of poverty/education and how so many of us are blinded by our own privilege that we have lost our ability to empathize. 


Weight Loss-Nope. Not today Satan, NOT TODAY!
Money Spent-Ya girl got a manicure and did some stuff for herself! $62
# of foot in mouth moments-0 (But it got close with the education talk)

Friday, January 22, 2016

Day 22: The Make-Up

Day 22. 11:29pm. Night. Drinks-0

I haven't put make up on in over a week. I had shows and didn't give a fuck about wearing it. I had my picture taken and posted to the internet, and didn't give a fuck that it looked like my skin was made up of leather (ok maybe a little bit of a fuck was given.)  I was around cute gentlemen that I attempted to flirt with, and take a guess how many fucks I gave about not wearing make-up? The answer...

Before this month, I enjoyed getting dressed up and wearing make up--it made me feel good. If we are honest, if any of you saw me in the morning, I was most likely wearing the eye liner and shadow from the night before. Most of those mornings, I resembled that of a 9 year old girl putting make-up on for the first time...also  that 9 year old reeked of wine. SO like no make-up may be a step up from December 2015.

As of late, I am more comfortable without make up than I have ever been before. I am not worried about what people think. (this could also be that I am always on the go and haven't found the time this month).

Maybe tomorrow I will wear red lipstick, straighten my hair, and stay out late. But I will do all those things for me....and maybe the chance to make out with a cute man--who has granite countertops in his kitchen.

Day 22. Complete. Looking forward to tomorrow and the days to follow.


Weight Loss-I weighed myself today and almost punched the scale. Let's stay positive people.
Money Spent-$36
# of foot in mouth moments-1.5

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Day 21: The Meet Cute

Day 21. 9:28pm. Night. Drinks-0

**This is a long but a good one! READ MY FRIENDS...READ!!

I decided to go for a long run at the gym. Note-running more than 1 mile on the treadmill is absolute hell. I sweat like a monster! I much prefer running outside; new scenery every second and my mind is able to wander and think about all the cute boys men I could possible bump into and have meaningless sex with fall in love with. Let's be honest, we all love a good meet cute! (Because that shit actually happens. Fuck Tinder, Bumble, or whatever dating app is getting the 20-30somethings laid, the movies are right...you fall in love by stealing a hot man's cab only to have to share it with him and realize you despise him...only to realize you are getting out at the same place and uh oh you end up in a relationship that gets ruined by a dumb misunderstanding that gets resolved in a very public place, most likely a public park or by a fountain, and results in you kissing as the camera pans out)

And we're back, I was on mile 4 when I noticed the dude on the stair climber staring at me. He was cute, and by cute I mean he looks like he has a stable job, lives alone in a clean apartment with granite countertops in the kitchen, and drinks red wine out of beautiful wine glasses while wearing a double breasted sweater...he was alright looking. I digress. As soon as I noticed him I avoided eye contact and continued running flawlessly....


ok it looked more like this.....

It is at this moment I realize...THIS IS MY MEET CUTE! This is how I meet my next failed relationship the love of my life. I speed up and turn on my jam that really gets me in the zone. 

My confidence is strong...so I look up so I can smile and look like I am hard core. Good news-he's still staring at me. And why wouldn't he be? I am a bad ass bitch who is running at a killer pace with a sick ass head band. I look fearless. Of course he is staring at me. I am the hottest chick in this place. I know at any second he is going to hop off his stair climber, walk over to me, pat his forehead with his towel, put said towel behind his neck, smile, and say, "You come here often?" and then do this...

I pretend to check my heart rate. Note-I don't know how to do this...I just put two fingers under my chin like I've seen people do on TV. I then fist pump in the air to give the idea that I am happy with the results. I have no fucking idea what good results would be, all I know at this point is my finger are gross with my neck sweat and this dude is totally in love with me. 

I check again...still staring at me. Dude--you are sooo obvious! I get it you WANT ME!

I look down to pretend I don't notice him only to notice that I have been sweating so hard in the GRAY leggings I wore that it looks like I have pissed myself. I don't really care because it just proves that ya girl sweats almost as ugly as she cries goes hard at the gym! 

He still is making no moves. I slow to a walk and eventually stop to stretch. Skillfully, I raise my left leg over the treadmill railing so I can still see him while I stretch. So far so good...time to switch legs...I start to move, but my leg didn't get the memo because the next thing I know I have face planted into the console of the treadmill, which causes a chain reaction of clumsiness that results in me on the ground with NOT ONE GOD DAMN PERSON TRYING TO HELP ME UP! Also, where the hell was my stair climber dude? This would have been a perfect story...I fall, he comes to my rescue?!?!?!! 

I pick myself up because, again, not one person was fucking human enough to stop their low rent work out to see if I was ok. When I get up, I don't look his way. I walk myself to the locker room, gather my stuff, and walk out of the gym never to realize my full meet cute potential....OR MAYBE-we run into each other next week and  I purposely fall and this time that dumb ass walks his happy ass over and picks me up and then we go back to his granite countertops and great wine glasses and have one hell of a night. fall in love. 

Day 21 complete. Seriously, no one helped me up...like people are garbage. 


Weight Loss-I have a bruised hip, the scale didn't seem important
Money Spent- $6.75
# of foot in mouth moments-I fell off a treadmill. I think that is worth about 10 of these. 

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Day 20: The Work

Day 20. 11:28pm. Night. Drinks-0

I've always loved being apart of the comedy scene because people are creative and produce meaningful shows and experiences. Tonight was a reminder of all those wonderful things in this community. I just got home from helping a friend with a movie that he is ACTUALLY filming. He has zero budget and making a freaking movie. How cool is that? Who really cares how or why I got to work on the set, but I did. It was a blast. Again, let me say HE IS PRODUCING A MOVIE!

This particular friend works harder than anyone I know. He constantly churns out material, puts his work out there, and is comfortable with whatever opinions or outcomes present themselves. I have no doubt that one day (very soon) he will be recognized for not only his hard work, but also the quality and sheer brilliance of his work. He doesn't drink...ever. Tonight made me wonder, is that the reason he gets some much shit done? The answer is....

He gets that much shit done because he works fucking hard, is focused and does what makes him happy. In the best sense, he puts his wants and needs first. He has fun by creating. His party is writing things and watching his friends bring it to life. Which posed another thought in my head, do I have fun creating? And if so, what stops me from getting shit done?The answer is yes. And the follow up is that my wants and needs have been clouded by what I think is fun.

While I love the comedy community for it's creativity and art, it is also a community that centers on drinking. An after show party, a night of drinking at a theater, or a boozy brunch have all taken the front seat in what "fulfills" me.  For me, the party and celebration are what I have put my stock in instead of the the creative work and process that produce great shows that then have those fun after parties. 

This month, I've written more than I have in a very long time (even more than on the ship when I cranked out a play). I write everyday...in this blog, and/or a character piece. It has made me feel great. While it is no full length feature film, it is a reminder that I want and need to write and create to be happy. Having several drinks after a show is a good time. Having drinks after a show that you worked hard to write, create, and put your artistic vision in is a better time. 

Do I think typing this means that come February 1st I will magically make all my sober epiphanies realities? 

No. Ya girl loves to brunch and drink wine/whiskey. I DO think (and hope) that I will be better at that thing called moderation. I hope that the urge to create will beat the urge to have a wine at a theater bar. And when it does, I look forward to watching my friends bring my art and creation to life. 

Day 20 complete. Anyone thing that a woman who is a crossing guard, only speaks in catch phrases but is secretly a super hero...is funny?  I think it has legs...

Weight Loss-I have no idea
Money Spent-TOO MUCH DAMN UBERS--I have a problem
# of foot in mouth moments-0. 


Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Day 19: The Sweet Tooth

Day 19. 12:08am. Night. Drinks-0

All I can think about is cookie dough, m&ms, anything with peanut butter in it, and Justin Timberlake. (note-I am always thinking about JT).  I am all like...

Normally, I am a savory person. But ya girl can only think about what it would be like to put chocolate cookie dough ice cream in between two potbelly cookies followed by an Oreo Cheesecake. Anyone else thinking about why they didn't try to open their own TCBY or ice cream store? Just me? Cool. #lifegoals2016

Also, I am tired again. Also, I was very cranky today. Sooooooooooo am I reverting back to week one of this month? Or am I just really feeling being 31 years old? Or is it both? Or is it because I am not eating that ice cream sandwich? Someone give me some god damn answers! (again...very cranky today.)

All this aside, today was a fun day. I watched Straight Outta Compton which is an incredible movie. I got to spend time with a great friend. And I wore leggings as pants. 

Day 19. Complete. I really wish I lived near a Dairy Queen--COOL TREATS! 


Weight Loss-I am craving sweets, we have no time to worry about weight. 
Money Spent- $31
# of foot in mouth moments-0 but I did have a very super awkward run in/I fell over in front of what used to be a love interest. 

Monday, January 18, 2016

Day 18: The Energy

Day 18. 12:46am. Night. Drinks-0

It finally came...THE ENERGY TO DO ANYTHING PAST 10pm BESIDES SLEEP! Today was jam packed, and if the last two weeks were any indication for how I would feel, I was anticipating falling asleep on anything that look remotely like a pillow.

Instead, I was jazzed to be apart of every to-do, event, and social interaction I had. I want a moment of honesty here...sober interactions can be awkward for everyone. The pleasantries can last too long and then we've lost our window to transition into deeper conversation. That is really sad to write...but it is true. I've had several conversations with people who are trying dry January as well. Everyone comments on how awkward life is, and how a glass of wine can open you up to a conversation you would be too guarded to have otherwise. 

Lately, I have been avoiding social situations as to not tempt myself or to sleep--because I am tired all the time! I am not drinking but avoiding something (people and relationships) that used to give me so much life....like Paula Abdul said, "I take two steps forward and two steps back."

I am also avoiding them because, when in those situations, I have noticed how reserved and guarded I am. Being friendly and outgoing takes energy...energy I just haven't had (or maybe it is that all my energy has been going into making sure I am taking care of me this month?) Either way,  I am not engaging in meaningful interactions with friends, acquaintances etc. I don't think alcohol was the reason I was able to do that before...and if so THEN THAT IS A PROBLEM! I just think it started the ball rolling. 

TONIGHT--I showed myself that I am capable of opening up and having the ENERGY to have great conversations, dancing and fun! Tonight really felt great. Nothing of note happened. I ran. I ate hummus. I watched new students of improv.  I sang a lot of Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson. I chatted with pals. I had weird conversations and good conversations. I wasn't tired....until now!

I still cringe at these realizations, but I am being more candid and open about how much apart of my daily life alcohol was. People are being more candid and open with me about their struggle with it too. It makes for some great realizations about the "young adult" world we live in...yadda yadda yadda. 

Day 18. Complete. Y'all really should listen to Paula Abdul's collection! Straight Up still holds up!


Weight Loss- I am not really sure. I tried to weigh myself today and stopped cause...fuck it!
Money Spent- $7.50
# of foot in mouth moments-3. I am telling you conversations can get weird!

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Day 17: The Cold

Day 17. 4:06pm. FRIGID Day. Drinks-0

Well Chicago, you beautiful bitch, you've decided to really embrace your Winter-self and make it so that going outside is impossible, because going outside would make your eyeballs freeze. Seriously, I was just outside and I think my eyeballs froze. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO US? I guess, why do we do this to ourselves....there are places that NEVER get so cold that you can't cry at how cold it is because your tears would freeze. But why you got to make us all be like...

There will be no temptation to drink tonight, as I am not leaving my apartment again. I am ordering pizza, wearing sweat pants, and watching Beverly Hills 90210 (the original--NEVER watch the remount of it...never watch that crap...NEVER!). Tonight, Imma be all like....

Some have asked how I am still single...please re-read the last paragraph and realize I had to google, "cats with pizza gifs," to find the picture that followed. You have your answer now.

Also, if I could I would marry Dylan McKay from 1993. He had his own house and a motorcycle. If it were 1995, then totally marrying Brandon Walsh cause like he had his shit together. I'm just a gal looking for a man with some 90s hair! 

Day 17. Not complete, but cold as fuck. 


Weight Loss-It was 9 degrees outside, and I still ran at the gym. There is no reason to do anything but applaud that behavior!
Money Spent- $5
# of foot in mouth moments-0!

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Day 16: The Love

Day 16. 7:58pm. Night. Drinks-0

I said there would be a time when I would address the response I got from "The Weight" entry, and tonight is the night. The last couple days have been a continuous reminder that I have met some wonderful, kind, and true friends. I have a lot of emotions from that day, but the overall take away is that the world can be a beautiful place when we decide to be kind and compassionate people.

This blog was meant to be a place that I could write whatever I felt or thought...or just a place to post gifs about wanting to drink but not being able to. I gave no one the link and had no intention of doing so. It was for me and me alone. When I sat down to write the Jan 12th entry, I was just going to mention that I wasn't losing weight. The words that followed were absolutely terrifying to write, but the act of getting those feelings out was incredible.

At the time, I thought I was the only person that would read them. Julia and Sarah are two women/friends I have come to respect and trust with my creative thoughts and writing. I sent that post to them because I felt so electric after writing it that I dumbly thought, "hey, maybe this is a good start to a new piece for a story telling event or even a character." After sharing it with them, I figured no one else would read it--for the love of Christ, I had pictures of my stomach in there! When they both encouraged me to post it publicly, my heart began to race, my throat was dry, and I felt the anxiety mount. The two of them (through much back and forth), made me realize that posting it was important for no one other than myself, and that was reason enough. They were right.

Several people have reached out with words of encouragement, love, concern or just "holy hell I feel the same way too." No matter what the reason, I am appreciative. This month (so far) has been a month of realizations, and it is nice to know that I am supported.

It is an interesting thing to put something so personal out in such a public forum like Facebook. Normally, I am shy away from things like that as I figure most people will think it is too much. I am not sure exactly what I expected, past a like from my closest friends and family. I, in no way, thought it would elicit such a wide response from people I talk to every day to people I have not seen in over 10 years.

In the past couple days I have run through so many emotions from, "wow this is amazing," to "oh shit why the hell did I do that," to "why do people think I am brave, I still can't leave my room if it is pitch black in the hallway because I think about  scary movies like Scream and I get nervous." But overall, I just feel really lucky that people have been so kind, warm, and encouraging.

I am sure there are some haters out there, but they at least have a heart and decided not to say anything to me. SO I think that is another big WIN for society! Hopefully, they got two lines into that post, rolled their eyes, and stopped reading (good news-they can follow directions).

What I got from that post, was that I really really love myself, and I am proud of who I am...and that feels REALLY good to type.

So often, I look at social media and see that people's lives look incredible. Someone married the person of their dreams, had a beautiful baby, got that dream job, are traveling to cool places, bought a house, or not wondering how much money is in their bank account and if they could maybe get away with buying a chipotle burrito without overdrawing their account (not that this has happened to me before...errr). It is so easy to see these wonderful things and assume that their life is perfect. In the last 16 days, I have trolled so many facebook and instagram accounts and thought, "Damn, what the hell am I doing with my life?" The Weight post made me realize (finally), that we all have our struggles, and we are just trying to be the best version of ourselves we can. We are all trying to find the code to happiness each day. Some days we find it...and that warrants an Instagram post, a facebook status, or a social media shout out to let our people know,"hey y'all I am doing alright!"

THANK YOU to Julia and Sarah for pushing me to put my art/shit out there. THANK YOU to all the people that showed me I am not alone. THANK YOU to those who were vulnerable to me in your messages and outreach.  THANK YOU to everyone for being good fucking humans with hearts. My hope is that whatever your "thing" is, whether it be weight, career, love or whatever, that you realize how loved you are. (THAT IS THE BEST TAG LINE TO A HALLMARK CARD--excuse me Hollywood, you there? Cause ya girl Becca is knocking down the greeting card door!).

For the 10 readers who got through this, I appreciate you tolerating me gushing about how good people can be. Also, if you are in Chicago after Feb. 1, let's grab some WINE!

Here are all the gifs I have stored that sum up my thoughts on not drinking...there are a lot of Real Housewives which leads me to believe I am and have always been a Real Housewife!

Day 16. Complete. Hoping for more weeks like this one.


Weight Loss- +1lb
Money Spent-$27
# of foot in mouth moments-0

Friday, January 15, 2016

Day 15: The Blank Space

Day 15. 10:47pm. Night. Drinks-0

I am officially halfway through the month. If I am honest, I didn't think I would actually make it this far. Yet, here we are...HI HATERZ!!!!! I should make a list of "Things I Have Learned," but I am drawing a blank. Mostly because it is past 10pm and all I can think about is sleep, that it still sounds like Taylor Swift is singing "starbucks lovers" in her song Blank Space, why Go West decided to make that weird music video with all those zoo animals, and what it would be like to kiss Justin Timberlake.


So for tonight, I will leave you this Go West video. If anyone can give me a reasonable explanation for this video I will buy you ice cream. 

Day 15. Complete. But like, what would it be like to kiss Justin Timberlake?


Weight Loss-I ate a lot of snacks today. I
Money Spent- $30
# of foot in mouth moments-1. 

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Day 14: The Routine

Day 14. 10:46pm. Night. Drinks-0

Today was the first day that I felt like not drinking wasn't a choice rather just a normal part of the day. (Every time I type something like that sentence, I cringe a little at knowing how "normal" alcohol was to my day).  I went to dinner with an improv team to celebrate a birthday. Not drinking didn't feel like a deal or even like I needed to make an aside to explain why I wasn't drinking. Had I made some announcement (or publicly posted this blog--wait), my pals would have been all like...

Drinking would have been the social thing to do, and seemingly, the thing that added to the fun. I didn't drink. I still had fun. And no one gave a shit. Why? Because it is not that big of a deal and my friends aren't assholes. Also, my decision to not drink had no impact on the evenings events. Why? Because I am not that important.

A lot of the time, I get consumed on what people think of me, and I have to remind myself that no one is sitting around thinking, "Damn let me judge every decision Becca Taubel makes. That seems like a productive use of my time." Nope, that doesn't happen. I need to get over myself, but, more importantly, be ok with myself enough to not care what anyone thinks. #goalsfor2016

Day 14. Complete. I am happy that this thing is getting easier. However, my guess is it will get hard again cause that's how this shit works y'all!!


Weight Loss-still not weighing myself!!! I am basking in the glow of not giving a fuck!
Money Spent- $62
# of foot in mouth moments-3 I did a terrible job of being good at interactions today!

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Day 13: The Whine

Day 13. 9:58pm. Night. Drinks-0

Tonight, I met an old pal for dinner after. I hadn't seen Meigan since I got back from the ship, and even before I left Chicago, in August, we had sort of fallen out of touch. Meigan is one of those friends that tells it like it is but in a way that makes you love her more for it. I am always having a good time when I am with her. If you don't know her then that 's on you cause she fun as hell.

We went to a beautiful spot in the Gold Coast. I was jazzed to try a new place. We sat down. I looked around. And damned if every bitch in that place wasn't drinking, what looked to be, the best fucking glass of wine ever. I was all like...

They even had the nerve to have wonderful stemware and heavy pours. At some point, the woman next to us took a sip and said to her friend, "This Sav Blanc is heavenly." Which had me all like....

I love having a glass of wine at dinner with friends. (that is the whitest thing I have ever said...I am sure I have said something whiter). Tonight, I wanted one. Had I gotten a glass, it still would have been a great dinner with a great friend. I wouldn't have gotten black out drunk. I would have only spent a couple more dollars than I did. The world would have kept turning. But I didn't do it because that's what February is for! 

Day 13. Complete. At some point, I will touch on all the wonderful messages I got from last night's post. I can't begin to describe how loved and supported I felt. For now, thank you for reaching out and know that I am proud to be your friend, I am doing great, and I think you are a unicorn!


Weight Loss-Glitch, I didn't weigh myself because today was about loving myself! Put that on a t-shirt!
Money Spent- $20
# of foot in mouth moments-2 (I mumbled for that woman to shut up about her wine)