Day 12: The Weight

Day 12. 12:14am. Night. Drinks-0

I told myself I wouldn't talk about weight until half way through the month, but I already broke that rule and weight has been all I can think about today. So, I am following what my mind wants me to write. I openly talk about my weight loss to anyone that will listen--it was (and still is) hard, and I am EXTREMELY proud that I accomplished what I did. Therefore, if you are already rolling your eyes then 1. Fuck you and 2. Stop reading now.

Nine years ago I backpacked through Europe and had the time of my life. Nine years ago, I was very happy, or so I thought. Nine years ago, I weighed way more than I do now.

Becca 2007. Size 24

This picture is me at 22. Single (somethings don't change). I didn't really date in high school or college--I always said it was because I was too busy having fun. But I wasn't having fun. I was terribly self conscious, jealous of every woman that was skinny, and thought there was no way anyone would find me attractive. I was miserable in the skin I was in, but I pushed off losing weight until the next week, month, year. There was always a reason to not do it. I had friends that loved me and made sure I felt beautiful, but I still hated how I looked. Don't be mistaken, I loved me. I knew I was smart, talented, and an incredible human. I just thought that feeling pretty was something I wouldn't get to experience.  It took the above picture and a douche bag in a bar saying the worst thing, to make me realize how sad I was. I decided (in those moments) the key to happiness was losing the weight. In a year, I lost 80lbs, ran my first half marathon, and picked up my life and moved to Chicago. While it absolutely changed my life for the better, it started my near decade long struggle with a positive image of myself.

2007 Becca (size 24) vs. 2015 Becca (size 10)
Becca at size 10 thought it was ok to wear a crop top...bitch be CRAY!

I did weight loss the healthy way: slow and steady. Which is why I have been able to keep it off. I teeter between a difference of 20lbs, but I will never be where I was. At my smallest (see above) I weigh around 175 and am a size 10. (I have never put my weight out so publicly and that is terrifying), and at my heaviest I was a size 24 and weighed 267 (NOTE-I weighed myself officially after 3 weeks into weight loss because I knew I would be horrified at the scale. I am sure I weighed more than that when I started, but we will never know). 

Nine years ago, I made the decision that being happy meant being skinny. And while I believe that getting healthy (I won't say smaller) was part of what makes me a happier person, I realize the damage it has done to me as well. I see beauty in size, and not in the accomplishments and the person I am. At times, this can cause me to be a shitty person (friend, family member and basic human). I am so caught up on looking good that I forget it is about how you feel. 

Last Winter, I was very depressed. I gained weight and got very close to what I call my "oh hell no you aint going back to that body girl, " weight. I was angry and unable to see outside myself.  Last Winter (and as of late), I convinced myself that the reason I was sad was because I was fat. I tried losing weight, but that didn't help. The truth was I wasn't leading a healthy life style--poor eating, drinking to excess, and not dealing with problems by talking to friends, a psychologist, or even just admitting to anyone that I wasn't my best self. At its basic level--I just didn't feel good about anything, and the way I fixed that for the last nine years had been losing weight....I realized that wasn't going to work anymore. I finally had to figure out there wasn't one answer to my problems. 

Alcohol has always been something I wouldn't give up. I told myself there are things I needed to indulge in (some people use sweets or soft drinks) so that I wouldn't go overboard in this weight loss journey. What I didn't admit to myself, was that I was using alcohol as a pity party. "I feel sad, so I will have a drink to feel better." I was indulging in alcohol but not in any way that was remotely healthy. (I am not sure how anyone really engages with alcohol in a healthy way, but I hope you get my point.) 

I've mentioned this in post before, but I figured the weight would just fall off this month. Hell, I am even keeping tabs on it every freaking day! I eat pretty healthy and exercise at least 4 times a week. The scale hasn't reflected that, and then I remembered that, for me, size and pictures have always shown the difference. So in that spirit, I do another scary thing here and I post my progress of weight loss from August until now. 

August 2015, November 2015, and January 2016

There is a difference of 20lbs and two dress sizes in these photos.  The last one was taken tonight. I haven't indulged in alcohol in 12 days. I don't need it. I haven't gone crazy. And I am way happier because I feel like a functioning human for the first time in a very long time. I am not sure if it is sobriety, that I am writing more, that I am running more, that I am open to my feelings, or all of the above. (HINT BECCA- it is all of the above--a great combination!). After this month, I will most likely drink again, but I know now that I can do so and still take care of myself. 

This month has reminded me that when I FEEL good is when I think that I LOOK good and when I am happy. There are times I wish I could go back to 22 year old Becca who knew she was smart, funny and an incredible person. The Becca who believed her friends when they told her she was beautiful. BUT, I realize her flaws and I am still trying to embrace all of her current flaws. Finding happiness is a complicated code that changes every fucking day. It is exhausting, but the key is to just try. I know some of the combinations to happiness (see the paragraph before this one), I'll learn more, and there will be some I never decipher. 

I am just happy that 31 year old Becca is learning to love herself again. She is learning that she is smart, beautiful, talented beyond measure, and still holds the capacity to be an incredible person. 31 year old Becca knows that she is attractive (and many other people find her so!) and she feels pretty A LOT! 31 year old Becca knows that there isn't just one way to ensure happiness.  It takes work to get there and stay there.  SO 22 year old Becca can stop being such a tool! Also, if 22 year old Becca is reading this then 1. You fucking figured out time travel...so like cash in on this and make us rich. 2. You should never, and I repeat NEVER think that anything with sequins is a bold and quirky move for you. 3. Don't go on a date with that recovering meth addict stand up that is about to ask you out. TRUST ME! 

Day 12. Complete. I'm still a work in progress. 

Becca

Drinks-0

Weight Loss-still at 2lbs

Money Spent-$36

# of foot in mouth moments-0

Day 11: The Belated Holiday Party

Day 11. 11:48pm. Night. Drinks-0

Tonight was the Second City Holiday party (late in the game, we know). I have been looking forward to it for a while...even when I knew I wouldn't be drinking. I figured it would be the BIG test. And I passed...

It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. By now, most people know I am not drinking and don't even offer. I am finding that it has gotten easier to resist any remaining offers that still come my way. There is a moment at the top of a party, show or evening out where I debate whether I could just have one drink. Something stops me. I think it is proving to myself that I can do it. 20 days left of my "break" from alcohol, and for the first time since I started, that doesn't seem too long. 

Day 11. Complete. Feeling strong.

Becca

Drinks-0

Weight Loss- 2lbs total

Money Spent-$6

# of foot in mouth moments-0

Day 10: The Sick Day

Day 10. 12:29am. Night. Drinks-0

I woke up at 11am again this morning, and was seconds away from being excited when I felt the ache come over my body. At first,  I smugly thought, "oh I worked out yesterday, this is why." Then everything else hit: the runny nose, the headache, and the feeling that I was trapped in a bubble where hearing went in and out.

Today, marks the second longest amount of time I have spent in my bed.  Normally, if I felt like this on a Sunday I would blame it on a hangover. Today, it had everything to do with my body being exhausted and needing a break. I tried my best to not feel guilty about watching movie after movie and only moving to microwave a lean cuisine to nourish myself.

I still don't feel great, but I am certain had I drank at all this weekend this cold would have felt 10x worse.  We are making progress!

Day 10. Complete. Here's to hoping I can breathe through my nose tomorrow!

Becca

Drinks-0
Weight Loss-2
Money Spent-$20
# of foot in mouth moments-0 (I barely interacted with the world today!)

Day 9 Part 2: The Night Owl!

Day 9. 2:04am(technically we in day 10 people). Freezing cold night. Drinks-0

JUST WANTED TO UPDATE THE WORLD THAT I STAYED OUT UNTIL 1:30AM, AND HAD FUN AND CONVERSATIONS AND DIDN'T THINK ABOUT SLEEPING (except for at the end of the night when I was fucking tired).  I own the world tonight. Got me all like...

Day 9. Complete. Cue the melatonin and 90s teen movie to fall asleep to.

Becca

Drinks-0
Weight Loss-Who the fuck cares...I stayed up late...and was a real human.
Money Spent- $18
# of foot in mouth moments-0

Day 9 Part 1: The Money Pit

Day 9. 10:57am. Daylight. Drinks-0

This month I was supposed to save money. Instead, I AM BUYING EVERYTHING!!

I will say I am doing adult things like a personal training session, groceries, a decent hair cut, and ubers...well the last isn't the greatest investment. I thought I would have a ton of money in my savings, instead I am realizing I just have more cash to spend on the necessities of life.

The first week of sobriety has taught me that I need to take on one thing at a time. For week one it was, just get through it with out drinking. For week two, I am focusing on eating healthy...which I hope helps the second goal--to save money. But if it doesn't then week 3 shall bring about the savings of a lifetime!

Day 9. Just beginning. Homemade meals and bus rides are in my future.

Becca

Drinks-0
Weight Loss-1.5lbs
Money Spent-We will check back in at the end of the day
# of foot in mouth moments-0

Day 8: The Sleepy One

Day 8. 10:25pm. Night. Drinks-0

Once I decided to take a break from drinking, I began to look into how other people did it. I came across a lot of helpful links...most recently and notable, Andy Boyle's post that blew up like crazy. Most sources said my friends would give me a hard time--hasn't happened. Some detailed how I would feel healthier and lose a ton of weight--eh kinda happening (the healthier one...I am snacking like a monster). They ALL mentioned that I would be tired and not be able to stay up late-HAPPENING!

Me at every social situation that lasts past 10pm.

I had big plans tonight: dinner with pals, a Bachelor viewing party, then hop in a cab and head to watch friends do a show. I got to the viewing party and felt my body and brain slow. I had a blast, but the idea of continuing on this social train made me more exhausted then watching a bunch of under 30 year olds, get drunk, say the word journey, and talk about how in love they are with a 26 year old man from Indiana. As soon as the show was over and we finished laughing about the absurdity we just saw, I was out the door. 

I was home by 10pm, and was all like... 

I know I need to push myself to be in more situations where I have to say no to alcohol, but I am just so damn tired. I have goals for the next week. 1. Eat healthier 2. Stay out later and force myself to live it up around those drinking it up. 3. Watch the Bachelor and not wonder if I could still get on the show.

Day 8. Complete and tired as hell, y'all!  

Becca

Drinks-0
Weight Loss-+1 million 
Money spent-Groceries, dinner and cabs OH MY! 
# of foot in mouth moments-0. Those ladies on the Bachelor did it for me. 

Day 7: The Problem Solver

Day 7. 12:11am. Night. Drinks-0.

I slept in this morning until 11am. This should be nothing of note, but this is the first morning since Jan. 1st that I have been in bed past 9am. It felt great. As a matter of fact, my day was lovely. I did a lot of things for ME today. I went for a short run, got my nails done, joined a gym, caught up with a good friend over salads and tacos at Whole Foods, and had a fun rehearsal with pals I've known for years. Then it happened...a conflict with someone I am very close to. 

I felt misunderstood, unable to communicate my wants and needs, and infuriated by all of it. The problem was resolved and a general "this was a miscommunication," stamp was placed on the whole situation. 

I can't help but shake when the urge(s) came to drink. During the middle of it, I thought "I just don't want to deal with this. I need a glass of wine." By the end of it, I was so exhausted I thought, "I need a drink to relax after this." Instead, I had a turkey burger and a soda water while I did a crossword puzzle. I reflected. I realized where I messed up and wasn't the best version of myself, I realized why I was really upset, and I realized that the world was still turning and I was still eating a turkey burger that I bought with my money which means I am DOING OK! 

Would I have come to those realizations after a glass (or two) of wine? I am not sure...maybe. But I know I wouldn't have the clarity because I wouldn't have asked myself some of the harder questions. 

The idea that a glass of wine or a whiskey will calm me down or make me feel better IS ABSURD, but it was a common practice for me. Alcohol is not my problem solver...it just pushes the problem back a couple hours, days or months. 

I still feel a little wonky about it, but I am glad I didn't drink tonight. I am glad I dealt with it. I am glad I am sitting in my bed listening to Savage Love and not drunk at some bar/theater replaying the wrong highlights of a conversation. I am glad I asked myself hard questions. I am glad I realized my faults as well as why I was upset and why it was ok to be upset. Tonight, I am just glad I am doing this. 

Day 7. Complete and feeling very reflective. 

Becca

Drinks-0
Weight Loss-I didn't weigh in today. Some days you gotta say 'fuck it,' amirite?
Money spent-A lot--I got my nails done, joined a gym and ate a turkey burger. I DID ME TODAY!
# of foot in mouth moments-5 (I was over emotional)