Day 12: The Weight

Day 12. 12:14am. Night. Drinks-0

I told myself I wouldn't talk about weight until half way through the month, but I already broke that rule and weight has been all I can think about today. So, I am following what my mind wants me to write. I openly talk about my weight loss to anyone that will listen--it was (and still is) hard, and I am EXTREMELY proud that I accomplished what I did. Therefore, if you are already rolling your eyes then 1. Fuck you and 2. Stop reading now.

Nine years ago I backpacked through Europe and had the time of my life. Nine years ago, I was very happy, or so I thought. Nine years ago, I weighed way more than I do now.

Becca 2007. Size 24

This picture is me at 22. Single (somethings don't change). I didn't really date in high school or college--I always said it was because I was too busy having fun. But I wasn't having fun. I was terribly self conscious, jealous of every woman that was skinny, and thought there was no way anyone would find me attractive. I was miserable in the skin I was in, but I pushed off losing weight until the next week, month, year. There was always a reason to not do it. I had friends that loved me and made sure I felt beautiful, but I still hated how I looked. Don't be mistaken, I loved me. I knew I was smart, talented, and an incredible human. I just thought that feeling pretty was something I wouldn't get to experience.  It took the above picture and a douche bag in a bar saying the worst thing, to make me realize how sad I was. I decided (in those moments) the key to happiness was losing the weight. In a year, I lost 80lbs, ran my first half marathon, and picked up my life and moved to Chicago. While it absolutely changed my life for the better, it started my near decade long struggle with a positive image of myself.

2007 Becca (size 24) vs. 2015 Becca (size 10)
Becca at size 10 thought it was ok to wear a crop top...bitch be CRAY!

I did weight loss the healthy way: slow and steady. Which is why I have been able to keep it off. I teeter between a difference of 20lbs, but I will never be where I was. At my smallest (see above) I weigh around 175 and am a size 10. (I have never put my weight out so publicly and that is terrifying), and at my heaviest I was a size 24 and weighed 267 (NOTE-I weighed myself officially after 3 weeks into weight loss because I knew I would be horrified at the scale. I am sure I weighed more than that when I started, but we will never know). 

Nine years ago, I made the decision that being happy meant being skinny. And while I believe that getting healthy (I won't say smaller) was part of what makes me a happier person, I realize the damage it has done to me as well. I see beauty in size, and not in the accomplishments and the person I am. At times, this can cause me to be a shitty person (friend, family member and basic human). I am so caught up on looking good that I forget it is about how you feel. 

Last Winter, I was very depressed. I gained weight and got very close to what I call my "oh hell no you aint going back to that body girl, " weight. I was angry and unable to see outside myself.  Last Winter (and as of late), I convinced myself that the reason I was sad was because I was fat. I tried losing weight, but that didn't help. The truth was I wasn't leading a healthy life style--poor eating, drinking to excess, and not dealing with problems by talking to friends, a psychologist, or even just admitting to anyone that I wasn't my best self. At its basic level--I just didn't feel good about anything, and the way I fixed that for the last nine years had been losing weight....I realized that wasn't going to work anymore. I finally had to figure out there wasn't one answer to my problems. 

Alcohol has always been something I wouldn't give up. I told myself there are things I needed to indulge in (some people use sweets or soft drinks) so that I wouldn't go overboard in this weight loss journey. What I didn't admit to myself, was that I was using alcohol as a pity party. "I feel sad, so I will have a drink to feel better." I was indulging in alcohol but not in any way that was remotely healthy. (I am not sure how anyone really engages with alcohol in a healthy way, but I hope you get my point.) 

I've mentioned this in post before, but I figured the weight would just fall off this month. Hell, I am even keeping tabs on it every freaking day! I eat pretty healthy and exercise at least 4 times a week. The scale hasn't reflected that, and then I remembered that, for me, size and pictures have always shown the difference. So in that spirit, I do another scary thing here and I post my progress of weight loss from August until now. 

August 2015, November 2015, and January 2016

There is a difference of 20lbs and two dress sizes in these photos.  The last one was taken tonight. I haven't indulged in alcohol in 12 days. I don't need it. I haven't gone crazy. And I am way happier because I feel like a functioning human for the first time in a very long time. I am not sure if it is sobriety, that I am writing more, that I am running more, that I am open to my feelings, or all of the above. (HINT BECCA- it is all of the above--a great combination!). After this month, I will most likely drink again, but I know now that I can do so and still take care of myself. 

This month has reminded me that when I FEEL good is when I think that I LOOK good and when I am happy. There are times I wish I could go back to 22 year old Becca who knew she was smart, funny and an incredible person. The Becca who believed her friends when they told her she was beautiful. BUT, I realize her flaws and I am still trying to embrace all of her current flaws. Finding happiness is a complicated code that changes every fucking day. It is exhausting, but the key is to just try. I know some of the combinations to happiness (see the paragraph before this one), I'll learn more, and there will be some I never decipher. 

I am just happy that 31 year old Becca is learning to love herself again. She is learning that she is smart, beautiful, talented beyond measure, and still holds the capacity to be an incredible person. 31 year old Becca knows that she is attractive (and many other people find her so!) and she feels pretty A LOT! 31 year old Becca knows that there isn't just one way to ensure happiness.  It takes work to get there and stay there.  SO 22 year old Becca can stop being such a tool! Also, if 22 year old Becca is reading this then 1. You fucking figured out time travel...so like cash in on this and make us rich. 2. You should never, and I repeat NEVER think that anything with sequins is a bold and quirky move for you. 3. Don't go on a date with that recovering meth addict stand up that is about to ask you out. TRUST ME! 

Day 12. Complete. I'm still a work in progress. 

Becca

Drinks-0

Weight Loss-still at 2lbs

Money Spent-$36

# of foot in mouth moments-0