The End

Day 32. Noon. Drinks-0...but about to be 1!

I am currently in a restaurant about to eat a bun-less turkey burger, enjoying a nice coffee, writing a bit for a show, and I just ordered a MIMOSA! Yes it's noon. Yes it's a Monday. I get it! Stop your judging. Also, fuck off...I wrote the words "bun-less turkey burger," and you are judging the mimosa part? YOU ARE A MONSTER!

A moment of honesty, at 12am, after one of my favorite shows I have ever done, I had some wine to ring in the new month. I woke up this morning with a headache, but that's ok.

So here it is. The things I learned or what I got out of this last month. Or like things I should have already been doing in my life...blah blah blah

1. I was lonely but happier. That is a weird sentence to type, but it is the best way to describe this month. A lot of nights, I went home early and chilled all by myself. Days were spent with a 15 month old, and, like that dude wasn't talking to me...just shouting nonsense. I had a lot of time with myself and my thoughts. BUT that is exactly what made me happier. I dealt with my insecurities and emotions for the first time in a long time. I took ownership of how I felt, and made no apologies. It was cool, lonely but cool! I am still a work in progress--WE ALL ARE! Right? (insert insecurities)

2. The workout breakdown. 
     *Ran over 82 miles
     *Worked out 24 Days
     *Average work out was around 50 minutes
 This is pretty fucking cool! When I was on the ship, I ran an average of 75ish miles a month (except for September when I ran 100 like a god damn psychopath). Towards the end of the month, working out didn't seem like an effort just more of a "when can I fit this thing I want to do in my day." I sincerely hope this part of my life continues.

3. I slept. Sweet Jesus I slept! Admittedly, I took a shit ton of melatonin because I just have sleeping problems. BUT I got quality sleep, and it felt great! I had weird ass dreams...I am talking very vivid dreams about Justin Timberlake. THANK YOU SOBRIETY!

4. I didn't lose weight, and I learned to be kind of ok with it. I say "kind of," because I am still working on accepting my body and how it is always changing (age be a bitch y'all!). The post I made on the 12th really helped me be comfortable with being so uncomfortable. It is still a thing I struggle with...it always will be. However, I can feel the shift in self-acceptance. Like I said in that post, the code to being happy with ourselves is always changing. Some days we know how to unlock it and some days we don't...on the days we don't have the code, we got to cut ourselves some slack and just be happy that we get to live and breathe.

5. I created. I wrote things, I performed those things,  I went back and re-wrote those things. It felt great. I mean, I guess Coach Taylor was right, Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose! 

6. Rarely, did I stick my foot in my mouth. Key word: rarely--I am still an idiot! Y'all when I was drinking, YIKES!!! This is a public apology to those I sent messages to before Jan 1, 2016. I WAS A MONSTER THEN. This month, I didn't get drunk and just spew out some nonsense to anyone that would listen. I was purposeful with my words. I didn't think "texting this person at 2am will seem cute." It's nice to not wake up and scramble to text your pals, "oh shit what did I do." 

7. I valued my time. I didn't over commit, and I was honest when I couldn't do things. I put myself first. I haven't done that in years! It felt great. I didn't feel guilty when I couldn't do something because I was booked, or had a random life event happen, or I was just tired and wanted to be alone. This is one of those things that I don't think being sober is the reason it happened, but I think being sober was the reason I noticed the shift. This is another thing I hope continues. 

8. I felt the urge to drink, but didn't act on it. I know the feeling of, "fuck this was a hard day, I need a drink." The truth is, I didn't and I don't. I had some weird days. I wanted to to drink...but I didn't do it. A drink doesn't solve the problem. I'd argue it perpetuates it. (She sips mimosa. Looks out window. Wonders what we all did before champagne and orange juice). 

9. I didn't spend money. People said I would save this month. I guess I did. I think I'd rather look at it as, I didn't spend money. I didn't obsessively check my account and wonder why did I buy so many people shots. It was nice. (She sips another mimosa and giggles...this is fun). 

10. My friends weren't dicks. So many people told me, "people are going to give you shit for not drinking." NO ONE DID THIS!!!! Everyone was very supportive. They would make comments about how they wanted to drink with me, but no one was a fucking 17 year old high school bully. Many commented about how they wanted to try a dry month. Or they would talk about how impressed they were that I did it....let's take a moment and check our privilege: going sober for a month is NOT something to be impressed by. NOPE! You should be impressed by something way more important. 

11. It was a thing I did. It wasn't that important or exciting. It was a thing. Alcohol is a thing that is so linked to the comedy world, and it was hard. BUT it wasn't impossible. And a big "fuck you," to me for saying that, because for some it is impossible. Guys, life is hard...can we just agree on that?

Thanks for reading. This was fun!  I hope to continue feeling this way...but  again life is hard, so I'll keep you updated.

Day 32. Didn't make it, but happy to be here.

Becca

Drinks-MIMOSAS ROCK
Weight Loss-FUCK OFF
Money Spent-None of your business
# of foot in mouth moments-0. I am still crushing it! 

Day 31: The Last One

Day 31. 3:46pm. Cloudy. Drinks-0

It's 50 degrees in Chicago today. Today is also the last day of sober January. Pretty sure this is the Universe's way of being like, "Hey Becca, you a bad ass bitch. Here's a warm day to celebrate you!"

This month has been full of a lot of thoughts, feelings, and gifs. I keep meaning to write down all the things I "learned" this month. But really, I just noticed how much alcohol is in my daily life, and how much I don't need it. BORING!

I am glad that I did this. It has been nice to...

1. Not wake up hungover and have to send a million texts asking if I was an ass the night before

   

2. Finish a bunch of projects and feel like a productive human

I am really happy/surprised that I actually did it. Tomorrow, I am going to make a meaningful post about life and how I feel. So for now, let's just put a gif here about being excited that this month is over...

Day 31. Almost complete. Excuse me while I just stand outside and bask in the warmth of this day!

Becca

Drinks-0

Weight Loss-DID YOU READ THAT IT IS 50 DEGREES...WHO CARES ABOUT WEIGHT! 

Money Spent- $12.76

# of foot in mouth moments-0 

Day 30: The Year of the Adult

Day 30. 5:28pm. Getting Dark. Drinks-0

Just filed my taxes. Helped a friend move. Did laundry. Made two meals. Ran five miles. And I am getting ready for a show. If I had this day five or six years ago, I would have called myself a real adult. I still don't feel like an adult. Anytime I see a person with a baby, a dog, or a full refrigerator,  I think maybe one day I will be old enough to be able to handle that. I am 31. I am pretty sure that constitutes being old enough. But you know I am avoiding ALL of that. 

I have two days left of January. Two days left of these very productive days....well let's hope these days continue for the rest of 2016 and beyond. Maybe 2016 is the year I become an adult to both society and myself?

 

Day 30. Almost done.  Got to go get ready to play make believe do a comedy show with my friends. 

Becca

Drinks-0

Weight Loss-I did my taxes, lay off!

Money Spent-$5.67

# of foot in mouth moments-0

Day 29: The Big Head

Day 29. 2:22am. Night. Drinks-0

This month has been great! I sleep a lot, I work out a lot, I eat snacks (a lot), and I think A LOT! I maybe think toooooo much. I live inside my head.

In the last couple weeks, I've reflected a lot about past behaviors and situations. I have let my mind swirl. I replay certain moments, nights, and people over and over again. I determine that these things have resulted in me getting a reputation of (fill in the blank with some negative idea). Basically, I play this game of madlibs most days.

"Oh God, remember that night when I was at (Name of Chicago Theater). I think I said something dumb to (Name of Comedy Friend). Woof. I really stuck my foot in my mouth by (insert overshare about my life). Jesus. I bet they and everyone thinks I am (insert unpopular opinion about me). Great. Most people don't like me."

Y'all that is CRAZY as hell. NO ONE THINKS ABOUT ME AS MUCH AS I DO. Like Lisa Vanderpump says, I "am not that important"

Not drinking tonight was a very easy choice. What was not an easy choice, was shutting off my brain. It was hard to tell myself to stop worrying about the past or people--both are things you can't control. I do like the person I have been this month. She's been very cool and barely sticks her foot in her mouth (both literally and figuratively).

Day 29. Complete. But, you guys would tell me if the WORLD hated me? RIGHT?

Becca

Drinks-0

Weight Loss-I went to they gym, and tried to work out....but then I got tired. So like who knows!?

Money Spent-too much today...too much

# of foot in mouth moments-0. #crushingit

Day 28: The Play

Day 28. 2:12am. Night. Drinks-0

Today was cool and shitty at the same time....but let's focus on the cool!

While I was on the ship, I wrote a play. A PLAY! A couple weeks ago, my friend Irene read it and offered me advice. I made some edits. And asked some friends to read it for me. Tonight, my friends Jack and Andy read my play out loud...I heard my words (FINALLY) spoken, out loud, by people that weren't me. And the best part? I didn't hate it. I fell more in love with it. I have so much work to do, but I am proud of it. They offered me wonderful advice, and agreed (schedules willing) to go forward with the project. My other friend Mike agreed to work with the actors and the script to help me get some direction. At about 8:47pm tonight, I felt like I was really making something happen and it was rad as hell. 

 

After we were done, I bought Andy a beer. We chatted with some other friends at the theater bar. As mentioned before, Andy had a beer. Liz had a wine. Katy had a martini. I had a soda water with SO many limes. Tonight, I wanted to have a drink after hearing my words. There was a relief I felt when they were reading the play...a relief that said, "you are good at this." (I was terrified that when they read it out loud, it would SUCK.) With this relief, came the strong urge to have a drink and just talk shop with friends. It's the most I've wanted a drink in the last 2 or so weeks. It was so strong that I couldn't help but memorize the drinks others had! 

Later, I went to dance and sing karaoke with friends to celebrate Irene (1st person to read my play-mentioned above) moving to LA. What's funny is that at this dive bar, I had zero urge to drink. It may have been that I was prepping to sing "I Wanna Dance With Somebody," by the incomparable Whitney Houston. Or that I am just used to it by now. Either way, it felt good to just dance and not feel awkward for not drinking. Also, I crushed my karaoke set...

 

Tonight was fun. (btw Thursday nights at Carol's pub will always have a wonderful place in my heart b/c of Irene and some kick ass ladies). Irene leaving is sad, but you can never be sad when you are around her. I mentioned that she was the first person that read my play. She also gave me the courage to get this play on its feet. She gave me the reassurance that it was good. 

Irene is one of those magical people you meet, and get pissed because you didn't meet her earlier in life. There is not one person that doesn't love Irene. She encourages you to be an artist and to force yourself to be uncomfortable because out of that, comes the amazing stuff. I did a piece for her show on Tuesday that was scary. I was hesitant to do it because I thought I would fail. Irene told me I would be great, and I just believed her. I knew if she said so, it meant I couldn't fall on my face. 

It is sucks she won't be here to encourage us all to be better artist, but I am really happy for her. The world is a better place because Irene exists. She helped me (and my guess is so many others) find a different voice that I didn't know was there. And that's freaking cool ass stuff! 

Day 28. Complete. Listening to all of Whitney Houston now!

Becca

Drinks-0

Weight Loss-I was so sore today, I made no effort to go near the gym

Money Spent-$53

# of foot in mouth moments-0...I think....you never know! 

Day 27: The Ladies!

Day 27. 1:47am. Night. Drinks-0

I am tired. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. You name it...I am tired. The last couple days, I have read post after post about the things female improvisers and comedians have been subjected in the Chicago comedy scene. It is heartbreaking for so many reasons that I can't even begin to explain or eloquently put into words.

There is a change...a shift..an awakening happening, and it is fucking cool to see. I mean, very cool to see ladies taking charge!  The last couple days have shown me that I have some great friends and advocates. I am reminded that my female friends are strong, kind, generous and fierce as hell.

While all of this is wonderful, and I am happy to see women standing up for themselves, it is also very exhausting. I haven't done shit besides read, offer support, and have conversations, but for some reason I am so damn tired. 

So like can we get a second for my LADIES who legit were apart in the Women's Suffrage Movement, who worked way harder than I ever will to get us the right to vote? Or how about my GIRLS that were/are in politics (looking at you Hil-Dawg), and have to explain to old white men EVERY DAMN day why they are out of touch? Or how about my GALS who demanded that women be able to have careers outside of mom? OR how about these boss ass women fighting for women to get paid as much as men do?!?!?!?!??!?!

CAUSE Y'ALL WORKED HARD AS HELL TO MAKE SURE I COULD TRY TO MAKE A CAREER OUT OF MAKING FART JOKES! Ladies, thank you...and I am sorry I have pissed away your hard work by spending the majority of the time looking for good gifs for this post. I should do better by you! Y'all some bad asses!!!

This is exciting for sure. I am proud that people are trying to make change in our comedy world. 

What is also exciting about this, is I haven't had the urge to drink. As I have said in posts before, I have THOUGHT about drinking, but the want hasn't been large enough to act on it. So here's to that! 

Day 27. Complete. Sisters are doin it for themselves!

Becca

Drinks-0

Weight Loss-1lb from the last time I weighed myself, so like who really knows at this point.

Money Spent-I didn't keep track today...SORRY!

# of foot in mouth moments-2.5

Day 26:The Art

Day 26. 12:36am. Night. Drinks-0

Tonight, I did a show where I made art. Like I wrote a thing that was scary, performed that scary thing, messed up my words for this scary thing, and felt amazing after doing a scary thing. Had me all like...

I really don't care if people liked the piece or not. That isn't entirely true-I care because I wrote something that MEANT something to me...something that spoke to me. Performing and putting it out there was a great feeling that left me needing no affirmation from my audience. If people didn't like it, I am all like...

And  even more like...

But again, the people I am around aren't assholes and said kind, generous, and fucking wonderful things to me after the show. Which had me all like...

After great shows like tonight, I usually celebrate with a drink. I thought about it tonight, but didn't want it. I was riding the high of making some dope ass art. 

Day 26. Complete. Go make art people...it is fun!

Becca

Drinks-0

Weight Loss-I gained weight but IDGAF!

Money Spent-$43

# of foot in mouth moments-I haven't embarrassed myself in DAYS!!! It's coming...I can feel it...I will embarrass myself some how...very soon!